Sunday, March 16, 2008

Weekend ups and Downs

This weekend has officially been the absolute worst in my life and its difficult to even type without getting emotional!!
This is probably not going to make much sense as i cant really explain the actual background but ill try do it in as short a way as possible.

I have officially lost all faith in my family. This is huge for me as my family is my life!!
They came to a unanimous decision on sunday that they are going to sell my house and we can all go our seperate ways after almost three years of living "together"

I feel cheated. why would someone you love want to take something they know you love away from you? I feel like iv been kicked in the teeth and i have a pain in my chest since yesterday afternoon. I have a headach from crying...
I will never own a property again ... I will lose my wooden floors and pressed cealings
I also found out that my sister in law did the hiding in their cottage thing not becouse of my sisters but becouse of me.
I am too controlling i make my mother feel bad that they dont have money the list goes on and on and on and on and on.

In the mean time since the anouncemnt my husband is going around like the cat that got the cream. He now gets his way and i guess they all do... My parents can do whatever they want my brother and his wife can buy there own home my husband gets to take me away from everythign i love and know...
and i get to lose lose lose!!!!

I really cant handle this i really really cant

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Exams and job hunting stress

Ok so i found out on wednesday that my portugues exam is on friday - yes today!! OMG i am sooo giong to fail! i shouldnt even be on the blog cos i know its going to suck me in at any moment
The interview went ok it was for a senior (team leader) position its just a lot farther than i had planned to go so now im not sure what ill do if they offer it to me. Also Man boy went for a n interview yesterday and he was very happy with the company so we will wait and see he has another two interviews lined up. Me still nothing else from the cvs i actually sent out...
My fais exam is on the 27th so i have to find my book, which i have an idea i threw away in a fit of rage last year....

Does there ever come a point were you are satisfied with your lot in life and you just continue on the path not trying to fight it??

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


I wrote some crap about understanding labels and decided to scrap it!! i don't care how understanding i would like to be i just don't understand how people can stereotype you just from were you work ok ok i know that there are people out there that truly belong wherever it is that they work but i don't and i don't want to stay here either... I want another job and i want people to see me for the person that i am and what i am truly capable of achieving for their company not the place iv spend my adult hood earning a living at...
Why is that when people who seem to be so nice and kind when they hear how amazing you are at your job call you to get your cv, saying they have not one but two positions can you urgently send them your cv so that they can set up an appointment which you do... only then you think you moved to the sahara as you keep looking at you inbox hoping to get that elusive invitation.. and all you see are tumble weeds sweeping across your desktop.. so you put your tail between your legs and mail her again asking if she got the cv ... only to get an email back saying that "we do not have positions available for your expertise but i have filed your cv on our data base" ja I'm familiar with file 13 thanks i use it myself....
I am not kidding when i say i have sent out close on 50 cvs!!! And not one interview people - not one!!!

Ok ok so i got an interview... in my desperation i contacted my old boss and sent her my cv... i have a block interview (they are interviewing for the region) at one wish me luck!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Stupidity of process

Ok so in one day i have been told to tell clients to "priorities their payment schedule" and "pay their outstanding bond repayment instead of pay for petrol and food" Ok ill give you a second to process that and find it as completly efd up as i do.

But wait he also told me to tell them to use public transport when i pointed out the idiocy of the above statment....

I am now on hold with a well know medical aid who is refusing to pay my sons homeopath bill becouse our plan does not cover alternative medical practitioners. Funny considering in the space of four months the "normal" doctors depleted all my savings and nearly had my son on permanent anti biotics and asthma medication!!!
But no please dont pay the only doctor who has actually enable my son to breath through his nose in two year since he was born...
Now we have maybe three days of meds left and every time he has gone off them he ends up hitting out a 40 degree temp - doc wont see him till weve paid (basicly he didnt spell it out but im no idiot!)
So fun times people fun times!


Mel (I assume shes from BB?) left a comment asking if Im enjoying blogging and to be perfectly honest im terrified!!
i know i should enjoy it more, I know its so silly its not like anyone really knows who i am but i am struggling with that too. I am honestly not a private person so the anonimety is a new one for me. I guess if any of my friends had to find this blog they would know it was me, no mistake the name is made up specialy for me (aaw sweet i know!)
but i find that i have so many things ratling around in my head that i cant quiet grasp what i actually want to say and then the eager need to please and for people to like me is also stopping me. I dont want to let the cat out the bag and have people not read this becouse im a freak. I also want people to read it to get to know me. So whats the balance?? I honestly dont know. Iv been trying to figure out why i like the blogs i read on a day to day - So close Blue sloth, Doula Mel and snickolett and i genuinly like them becouse of the writters honesty. run of the mill people, parents South African and American, but always honest!
So here i sit wanting to say something scream it to the walls, the mountains the oceans to anyone who will listen... and its response....and i cant scream.... i have to smile and carry on faking it...
Phillip from Blue Sloth has an Oscar Wilde quote on his blog ~ “The basis of optimism is sheer terror.”
I can only hope that this is true. Im just genuinly afraid that i have lived in terror for such a long time that i can no longer be optimistic.
I cannot even be honest not even with myself...

Friday, March 7, 2008

Moxie Update

Firstly i was thinking about all three of my choices and i think they suck - oh well maybe only the one. Mainly cos its not really for me but the other two aren't going too well either.
1. The cold water tap in our kitchen does not work so we don't have any cold water i know i should just get a bottle but ill be honest it wasn't top on my list this week.
2. i have been trying to do the stomach exercises but i constantly feel like I'm not doing the right muscles and end up feeling like i need to pee really really badly (tmi??) i also end up getting serous stomach ache and pain similar to period pain so i don't know what to do there...
3. the sex is really not for me and I'm too upset to even talk to him civilly most evenings never mind anything else. will review over the weekend and see if i will change is for something else

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

week from hell and its only wednesday

Ok so im being really dramatic but honestly i just dont know how im going to make it through the week!
Monday started off fine even with the complete lack of sleep of last week and the weekend!

Then the big S came in and started throwing her weight around and i just totally lost it - inside of course, she told me she is too busy to sort out a query she was dealing with which i have no history on and kept handing me stuff to deal with that she had prevously told me was sorted out. What pray tell was she busy with you may ask - her banking!!! This after spending the morning helping her boyfriends car fixed and rocking up at work at almost one...she then made me call a client to find out when he was sending the original of a copy we have (we cant work on copies - very process and red tape driven job!) so i do and this client starts yelling and ranting at me. Now considering what a foul mood i was in already i was totally amused at the fact that the client actually has a totally differnt view of the situation as was explained to me... so he asks me if i find him funny gah say what? i obviously answer why yes mr client i do find it very amusing that you are yelling at me and not letting me finish my sentence or recitfy the situation. and yes i find it very amusing that you see me as (insert company name here) but you will not ask me to try help you. Well this totally calmed him down to a simmer but i was boiling with embarresment and annoyance. When she came back to her desk i litterally threw the request at her and told her i will not deal with the client and she will just have to sort him out herself - she was miff! Honestly some clients just suck.

I am sorry that this is all a bit cryptic and i guess you would have to be there for it to make much sense but im still a bit scared of the ramifications of being caught so i will have to just stay annon like this untill i figure it all out. Its a real hassle and its working on my nerves and my ability to write as i am probably one of the least annonymous people in the world argh!!

anyway the actual hell of the week is not only this crappy job and the crappy people but the fact that both my kids are sick the boy child is always sick so thats not really new but we had been having a respite of a month and a half and then WHAM we were back at square one with him. Its tiring and time cosuming! We are now trying to get him not to need his dummy on top of him being sick i know i know i hear you not such a smart idea but his teeth are totally going scew and its all my fault! i lost his avent dummy and bought him an el cheepo instead I also feel really guilty at having them so close and needing to take something he really loves away from him even if it is for his own good i still feel like a terrible mom. Then the first night he doesnt have a temp of nearly 40 in over 7 days he decides its a good idea to just cry untill one of us (read me) comes to his bed to lye next to him then he sits up and hits his head to keep himself awake, or just lies there wide eyed and pretty for three hours and no im not kidding he really did that for three hours!!
the girl child had gastro that i can only guess she caught from the boy as none of us have had it and he hasnt either but i dont know... at five months its not like she is gettng around a lot!!
Poor kid she is generally so well behaved and all that and is suffering with the tummy aches and pains. Once again major guilt and cleansing and sanatising for just in case which in of itself is hard enough when i am not actually home that much.
Leaving home at 6:30 and getting home at 6:00 is not so lekker when you really hate your job!! And i figured out that i dont really want to be a SAHM i really enjoy working but trying to divide myself between my two babies and the Man child in the one hour i have before they (the babies) go to sleep is pretty near impossible.

Generally not having a good time but i am off my only early day home is today in more than a month so ill carry on my rant tomorrow hopefully it will be a better day!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008


Its a disclaimer not disclosure omg i am really losing my freaking mind!! thanks ann from

Monday, March 3, 2008


Here for anyone who happens upon this blog is the announcement of "Nurture" the brainchild of Tertia of "So Close" fame, and her friend Melany. The first time I heard of her i was home sick and watching etv's "Great Expectations" With Sam Cohan of "Waiting for Christopher" fame. She was so funny...later on I found her blog after following a link to see her VERY FUNNY "disclosure" (is it a disclosure? sorry my brain is still not working from last weeks lack of sleep - I don't find it now thought) Anyway here it is....

We are delighted to announce the launch of South Africa’s premier Egg Donor Program
nurture Egg Donor Program is a concept conceived by two people who are passionate about the world of infertility and egg donation. Tertia Albertyn, well-known author, former infertility patient and now mother of twins, and Melany Bartok, former egg donor herself and the country’s leading Egg Donation Director are both elated to be doing what they feel is their life’s calling!
At nurture, our focus is on recruiting, selecting and supporting top quality donors who are committed to the process of donating. Our objective is to provide complete donor care – encompassing education, information and support throughout the entire process, from application through to donation and beyond.
We look forward to connecting with you and all the other people whose desire it is to give others a chance to realize their dreams.With passion and vooma,Tertia and Melany
For more information about Nurture Egg Donor Program please contact either Tertia ( / 0824418639) or Melany ( / 0766848489)
It is still very early days. We might not have our website up yet or fancy stationery etc, but what we do have is lots and lots of passion and excitement; and 100% conviction that this is going to be absolutely wonderful, not only for us, but for everyone involved - the egg donors, the recipients and the clinics as well! We are totally into creating a situation where everyone benefits - a win-win situation for all.
I am not giving up my day job, I am going to be investor and adviser for now while Mel works full time for Nurture. Together, the two of us are going to set this space alight! It is so great to be involved in something so dear to my heart. YAY us!
PS: If you are a young, healthy 20-34 year old South African woman who would like to find out more about egg donation, please send an email to If you are an old bat with tired, overcooked (vrot) eggs like mine, but you know of young, healthy women who would like to find out more about egg donation, tell them to give us a shout.
PPS: If you are a South African blogger, please consider posting a note on your blog to spread the word about Nurture Egg Donor Program.
PPPS: If you are a man, thanks but no thanks. We don’t need your sperm right now, but thanks for the kind offer!PPPPS: Woooo hooooo!!!! Do you have any idea how excited I am about doing something that could potentially mean so much to so many people! Very, very excited indeed.

Friday, February 29, 2008

Loving Blogs and Moxie's 60 Day challenge

The problem with loving blogs and now having one of my own is that i spend so much time reading the others and forming opinions with their comments that i forget what i wanted to say my self...

I have taken up the "take yourself seriously challenge" on Ask Moxie and i chose the following three things

1. Drink two glasses of water a day
2. Continue to do stomach muscles at least three days a week
3. Try have sex once a week

Each of these except maybe number 1 poses a problem but i will try deal with each - you can change them and its supposed to be for your own growth things is is having more sex equal to taking my self seriously? Maybe i misinterpreted this. ill think about and make a decision on monday
So with that i will leave you with wishes for a wonderful weekend and think about what i want to say next week.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

You dont have a cell, Seriously?

Now the thing is that i don't have a phone not because i don't want one but through an accident mixed with circumstances beyond my control mixed with a bit of vanity.
But you get the most amazing comment's when you tell people you cant give them your cell number because you don't have one
Like the day before yesterday when i got a call from the principal at the angel boys school "Hello Mrs M we tried all the other cell number to get hold of you and couldn't so we thought we may as well try your work number.. huh?!? Firstly why is the land line not the first point of call? And secondly wtf? so not important when you tell me that he has a temperature of 39.9 of course you can give him something to bring down the fever if sponging is not working!! OMG! (But thats another post altogether)
I also got a comment from someone who thought it was "amazing" and "liberating" and wished she could give her's up"... its actually not at all because no one understands how you cant have one.
Truth be told i don't have a helluva lot of people who really need to get hold of me that cant through other channels and actually that's pretty funny in its own way. But honestly have we become so dependant on the silly things that its completely unacceptable to not have one?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Hello Out there

Well first things first i suppose hello computer world... my name for now will be Mizasiwa for reasons which will become more or less apparent later, the name itself no longer exists in the "real" world but when it did it meant a lot to me
So I used to journal and write poetry or whatever, i think i can write... admitedly i havnt for nearly ten years but i commited to myself to start again and i think this may be the right format to try. I feel like i have lost what little soul i had and its getting worse every day... i dont want to be a drag i just need to feel like i count even if its in this anonymous space.
So here i am using work time to creat something i hope will make a difference if not in the lives of others at least in my own.
So if anyone is reading this i dont like capitals i love exclamaition marks and ... (cant spell the word sorry) and i really cant spell... oh yes and i tend to swear. I dont do it to offend anyone its just the way i am.